Bookmark #267

I believe everyone has a war within themselves. It’s what we live for; it’s what we die for. I don’t know where it comes from or why we fight it or if someone manages to win it. I see it everywhere. Show me how someone does all they do, and I’ll tell you what they’re fighting for within themselves.

For a long time, I’ve thought my war to be one for balance, but I’m learning now, I have always had balance. It’s been a war for reason. For as long as I can remember, I’ve scoured for a reason to be alive, to have a justification for everything. My war has been for the why. It’s the only question I have ever asked: why?

Sometimes, however, the answer to winning a war isn’t fighting through it all; it’s in finding another way; it’s in avoiding fighting altogether. So, now, I don’t want to know why it is that I am here. That’s the answer. I couldn’t care less if it is for myself, or those around me, or for some purpose I haven’t yet discovered.

I’ve always romanticised everything to make it seem larger. However, things just are, and no word or metaphor can make them any more or any less. If anything, we only made desperate attempts to capture this thing we called life, and fail miserably while we’re at it.

The bottom line of it all is, I’m alive. I want to like being here. I don’t need a reason to do so anymore. I want to like the days regardless of whether they’re good or bad. I want to appreciate the life I live, with all its mundane trivialities.

Perhaps, nothing will change on the surface. I’ll be the same person I always have been. I’ll have the same days. I’ll help the same way. I’ll do the same things. But, I’ll not be at war with myself at all times. I’ll not be asking: why?

I wish I could tell you how liberating it feels.

// if you want to support this walk to nowhere, you can pitch in here