Bookmark #266

I wonder if you find yourself laughing through the day only to end up in the dim glow of your bedroom lamp, standing lifelessly, consumed by a thought too many as a morbid song plays in the background, too.

I wonder if you tell everyone you’re fixing your life as if there ever was a thing like a broken life in the first place, as if there has to be a proper way for life to be, and that if there was, you knew what it looked like enough to claim you’re hard at work to hammer it into form when all you know is how to barely brave twenty-four hours without losing yourself to the voices in your head, sometimes.

It baffles me, the audacity with which you claim you’d like to be more, to do more, as if your smiling at a stranger isn’t enough hope in the world, as if your rushing to see a friend isn’t important enough for it to count for something, as if you stringing words out of thin air did not add anything to this otherwise bleak world.

I wonder if you think of these things too as you ask yourself how it is that you can suddenly fall from a peak of ecstatic emotion into this abyss of nothingness. I wonder if you blame yourself for not being happy enough, as if the nothingness stops calling when you’re laughing, as if it has ever stopped calling, as if this is the first time you’re fighting it all.

I wonder if you lose yourself, like I do sometimes. I wonder what you do to get out of it. Do you like walking? Perhaps, you do. I wonder if like me, you walk on the road to nowhere in particular, too. I’ve been treading the road ever since I was a little boy. Frankly, I won’t mind some company. I wonder if we’ll ever run into each other.

It baffles me we haven’t yet.

// if you want to support this walk to nowhere, you can pitch in here