journal.coffee

So, our circus begins again. Today, we march through time with our little steps and continue our shenanigans. It is a quiet beginning, and I notice an increasing capacity for all things calm within me. It is a quiet beginning, and I would not have it any other way.

I came back to my apartment after lunch. Per custom, I made a cup of coffee, set the mug on the rug, and sat to watch a film. Then, I watched another, and then another. By the time the credits rolled over for the third one, the curtains of the night sky had rolled over the pale January day as well. At some point, while I sat with a blanket wrapped loosely around myself, I realised how calm it all is in my mind lately. It may be winter outside, but in my mind, it is always warm. The sun always shines, and there is warmth I can always draw from. There is little left to prove to anyone. There is little agenda left in my days. I only want things to keep going forward. It is an incredible desire. The universe may not take kindly to my quiescent but bold demand. But as I sat in the comfort of my own company this evening, I made it. I made my demand.

If there’s anything that has changed in how I look at it all, it is that my feet are sure of themselves now, and I rarely stumble and fall when I take a walk in the street. I fail to recall any recent instance of tripping over nothing. That is the note I will begin this year on if I must. I will start it with a sense of security unbeknownst to me before. But then, if I can avoid it, I will begin this year without a note at all. Notes set expectations, and we are all equally cognizant of what happens when that happens.

If I could make any wish for the next cycle, I would make no wish at all, and if I were compelled to set an intention, I would try and pick nothing. I believe this and only this is what I have learned about life—an axiom. Everything else is a corollary to it.

My heart is unwavering, my steps are sure, and I am ready to dance to whatever tunes time brings along. I have never really felt a desire for a resolution anyway. I have ever only jumped through the hoops.

Now that the calendar is all but run out, now that it is the last day of the year, I will have to think of a conclusion, or at least a thoughtful, perhaps, poignant sentence. But I sit here with my coffee, as I have sat day after day. To me, this is just another day. How can I claim things have concluded when they are still very much on their way, when I know I am engulfed in the beginning still? This thought repulses me. There is little to say about the last day of a year besides just one: another year begins tomorrow. That is where its significance begins and ends.

When all is said and done, which is another way of saying “in the end” while deliberately avoiding those exact words, there is not much to any of it. To go through a day is to go through a year, and to go through a year is to go through a life, which is a roundabout way to suggest that it is but a day today—nothing more, nothing less. It is but a day today, and what we choose to do with it will have as much control over our lives as any other day has had so far.

How much control is that? Now, that is up to us to decide. That is the tricky part. That is always the tricky part.

My passion is rationed. My zeal is cut up into small portions as if I were preparing meals for the week and then used on a case-by-case basis. I am too careful with my time and attention—which is to say I don’t let one idea envelop my soul. To me, that is a sort of surrender I cannot make, and then, I look around and see this is a flaw. This is my biggest flaw in plain sight. The world seeks to be defined, and here, even after spending over a decade playing with words, I shy away from calling myself a writer. Now, the need to be defined, to have a meaning assigned to your life by proxy, is not washed over me. I understand it and respect it when it is in others. It only disgusts me when I think of this need in myself, even in my imagination. To define destroys what you could be.

Let’s say I call myself a writer as audaciously as those who sit and write banal, run-of-the-mill poems without an ounce of thought behind them, which often read like the lines we reject when we sit and write thoughtfully. Let’s say I do that, and then, one day, for some unfortunate circumstance and loss of some faculty, I cannot write anymore. What then? Who will I be, and what will I call myself? A person has to be more than a single thing they do. They must be so much more, so they keep the world guessing. If nothing else, it keeps things interesting.

But in everything I do, I will always keep some part of myself away from it. I will always be the sum of the parts, and I will always be an outsider. That is one way to be one of a kind, of course, but my soul fears being limited by labels. There is little I can do about it. Like how moths flutter towards a flame, even if it causes them to burn and die, I, too, cannot resist this urge, this instinct.

Perhaps, it is not up to me. We all want to belong, don’t we? It is just that when I enter a room and meet people who look the same, sound the same, and act the same way, it scares me. Then, it irks me. Slowly, it sickens me. All of them are dead inside. If that is the cost, then I will always refuse to pay it. I will always have the option of changing my course if I begin to dislike myself.

How many others, I reckon, can make that claim?

It is a brumal day, and the sun has not broken still. Nothing seems to have any authority over the blinding white, foggy sky. The hills have succumbed to the winter haze, and the city is visible in parts. There is a cup of coffee on your desk. You don’t remember when you kept it there. You are sure the coffee is as cold as water by now. You stand barefoot on the wooden floor as you dress up for the day. As you pull the pullover over yourself, it occurs that although things have not happened exactly as you wanted them to, this year came through for you.

Most of your wildest dreams have come true, and so have some of your fears, but the latter is far trivial to dive into, so you let it be an afterthought and walk towards the desk. You pick up the cup of coffee and drag the curtains open. The first instance makes the room light up, even without the sun. Yes, even then. Then you sip the coffee, which tastes as you had expected, and then, you realise this is how the year has unfurled too—precisely as you wanted it to. The sun shows its face just then as if it were a nod of acknowledgement. Of course, that means nothing, and all of it is a massive coincidence, but still, it stirs in you a sort of hope that what’s to come may not be as you expect it, that things may be different than they look, that we are not always as fortunate to have things transpire per plan—as vague as it may be.

And so, with no rhyme or reason, you decide to get down and walk to the coffee shop. As you do, you notice a slight drizzle. It could just be dew, of course. You continue walking. You brave the windy weather as your scarf tries its best to not fly away, and it begins to rain. “How random things are!” You cannot believe it. “How quickly the tide of this day has changed,” you remark. “How random things are, and here I stand, with so much happiness in my heart. What else can I say about anything at all? “

You walk in and get a cup of coffee. A year is almost over. All the grace you wished for about three hundred and sixty-five days ago has made a quiet home in your heart.

A year is almost over. The world is still beautiful.

Anything you lose too quickly does not deserve to be held by you, and you should make proper arrangements to change how you keep it, and if that seems impossible, you must let it go.

If you keep losing a ring, you need to check if it’s too loose and get it bent to size. Temporarily, you may even wind a string through and around it to tighten it. But if you promise yourself you’ll get it fixed but never do, you must stop wearing it. It saves you from heartache when you lose it, as you inevitably will. We should not take second or third chances for granted. Something lost once is lost forever. Sometimes, serendipity intervenes. But beyond that little favour, it’s all up to you.

If you keep losing your composure, for example, in a year which has left but a smidge of it remaining. If your patience seems like a flimsy, ceramic mug with cracks on every corner of it, you should let it break sooner than later. You must loosen your grip on it all and, unhinged as it may seem, rage against it all. You must let go and scream. If you keep losing your composure, you may need to lose it all before you can start amassing it. Then, you must be careful to never lose it again.

And what if you lose a lover once? Well, you must follow suit. You must let them go. If that seems too painful, you must do it in secret. You must slowly cease meeting them or calling them and find someone else. It is the best outcome for everyone facing the misfortune of being involved in the shenanigans of your fecklessness.

No object, and surely, no person should be at the receiving end of irresponsibility. It is the worst possible thing a person can do to anything on this planet. And most people live life this way. They keep losing things and promising they will change their ways or get them fixed, but then, time passes, and they are still who they are—they lose things and leave a trail of trinkets behind.

And then, they throw a fit against the world, knowing in their heart their pain is unwarranted and, frankly, selfish. They flail knowing that all they had to do was be careful.

And if that was simply not possible, all they had to do was let go.

There are days so calm you live through and barely stop to think about them. As beneficial as they are for happiness, they are useless for the writing. I laugh, and I live, and then I face the page in terror, which soon becomes agony. Where is my mind? It is lost in the daze of simple pleasures, laughter and conversation and the quiet embrace of a vacation right at the end of the year. It has not stopped to think or worry.

Earlier this morning, I did not think of much, but I did sip my coffee surrounded by family. For a second, I thought of it: my sordid search for balance and how this year has proven to be an answer for it all. It lasted for but a second, and then, interrupted by laughter, I came back to the moment. In many ways, this was precisely what this year had given me: a steady stream of interruptions. All my happiness, which was in abundance, was interrupted before turning into complacency, and even a smidge of my sadness was stopped before it became heartache—long before it even got close.

This was the balance I had begged for from others, from cities and friends and lovers. I was denied this over and over, but often as we do in dejection, I was too afraid to open the letter. If I had, if I had even once had the guts to ask: why do you refuse this tiny demand of mine? I would have received a simple answer in every letter, email, and phone call. It would have been plastered on the walls if I had only once had it in me to ask.

“It is not ours to give.”

When I say, I often think about how we record, I mean I think of it all the time, compulsively and obsessively. Humans live, and when living is not enough, we record our lives—in words, in pictures, in art and in film. We want more than to be alive. We want to be remembered as we are, and we want to look at how we were.

I sit, sandwiched between the bed and a stack of blankets on a night so cold my fingers struggle to find the correct keys. I’ve typed all words with errors; then, I have erased them to write them correctly. It will probably take me twice as long to write today, but I will do it regardless. It is almost ridiculous when you think about it. Almost. Then, human as you are, you would understand. Why must I record these bookmarks? I have earned the right to ask this question now that I have spent a year, shy of a couple of weeks, writing them. Why should I remember all these days without any detail about my life? I wish with the right to ask this question, an answer would have arrived too. But things and life are seldom as straightforward. Something in me tells me this will be important. For what? I do not know yet. All I know is that it is a question for another day, and I have an inkling that the answer will make me stop in my tracks someday years from now, and then, I will ask the question.

That is often how things happen: in reverse, in an indirect, frustratingly roundabout way; like how you only know the warmth of the sun on a cold night as this one, like how you only know love when you realise you have none left, like how you understand how crucial the beginning is when things are about to end.

Things have a tendency to work out like that, but they tend to work out after all. Convoluted as it is and haphazard as it stands, there is nothing more glorious than this meaningless life we are compelled to record, generation after generation, people after people.

It is a night so cold that every breath I exhale is visible even inside the room, but here I sit, writing with fingers that have overshot their mark about a thousand times. There is something in this, too.

No matter how good you are at crunching numbers, regardless of how much your feet are dipped in the river of time, you will always be surprised when moments come to pass. Life is an unreal experience. You find yourself in the middle of a moment, and despite all your imagination, only then do you know what it feels like. All your estimation is a poor proxy for experience. For most of your life, you will be caught off-guard by the unexpected happiness around you. You will sit around people and laugh, knowing that you knew you would get here somehow, but that all of it would happen like this was beyond your wildest imagination. No plans can prepare you for joy. It is one of the sweetest pleasures of being alive: to feel alive in a way you did not know you could.

Time feels like a substance we do not comprehend yet, or perhaps, never well. It bends over on itself. The shock of it passing and yet, staying still in more ways than we can count is not something we are never prepared for.

I vividly remember episodes from my childhood as I sit in a blanket on a hazy day irreconcilably far from it. No understanding of relativity will ever make this easier to digest. The sheer confusion of being old enough to handle myself and yet, knowing that I am still the same child in more ways than I can name right now causes a lump in my throat. I swallow reality with a gulp. It all makes me feel more alive, if nothing else.

But what has brought this onslaught of happy terror, this barrage of glorious surrender to time? A coincidence. I had a day impeccably similar to a day I had so many years ago; I would have to stop writing and do the mathematics to tell you the correct number. They were so alike, so happily alike, that I could have sworn for a second I forgot all this time had passed and that I sat there looking like how I do today. I could have sworn, for a second, I did not know when the clock stopped ticking. I blinked on a day all those years ago, and suddenly, I was here today.

It is always sudden. We call it passing as if it is a slow, gradual shift, but when you look back, it is always sudden.

I wiped the frost off the cold glass window as the bus zoomed past the night. I checked my watch. It was five to one, and everyone else was asleep. I looked at the fog and caught a glimpse of the nebulous world I lived in. For a change, it looked exactly like it was: unclear and blurry. There are moments when, once again, we come face to face with how irrelevant all our little and large troubles are simply because so many others live lives as vivid as our own. Sonder, they call it these days. It is a popular word indeed, and for good reason. I reckon we all ought to experience it now and then, deliberately, even if life does not give us a chance. But then, life rarely passes an opportunity to make you feel this troubling belonging, this odd kinship. I am a person because I have worries of my own. I see you, too, have some in your backpack. Perhaps, we can be friends, and if that is not possible for reasons unknown, then let us simply smile and excuse each other as we pass by.

Places like a filled bus or a crowded mall are a microcosm of the world. If you can navigate through them well enough, rest assured, you can navigate through the world. And if you can tolerate your urban loneliness in them, be sure, you will always handle your own in life. At least, this has been my experience. You feel a specific sort of alone in a bus cruising through the midnight hour along empty highways and backroads. Most often, the best course of action is to get some shut-eye like everyone else, but then, if you are like me and you struggle to sleep now and then, another thing to do is revel in the moment.

You can feel alive at the edge of some mountain or some cliff, feeling the tremendous range of human emotions all at once. That is one way to go about it. Another is to sit in a bus and look at the sheer breadth of the human experience, to notice the people and how they carry themselves. That, too, makes you feel alive. Everyone has someplace to be, but here, for this little slice of time, we all go together. How could someone not feel life surging through them when this happens?

Over time, I have learned that I must, in some meaningful way, contribute to the world I live in. When I am useful, I am happy. I sat with this thought earlier this afternoon, which was as sunny and warm as a friend’s laughter, and I realised this was an instinct as old as time. I was just another soul for hire in a long line stretching as far back as we can imagine, and then some. The excitement I feel when someone asks something of me is unparalleled. I do not know anything else that moves my feet as fast as a favour does. Can you do this for me? They ask me as if it is an outrageous thing to ask someone in your life. Why, of course. Why else would I be here?

I do not go out to seek my purpose. I live my life, and it often comes to me as a favour or a request and, sometimes, as duty. I do not know much else, frankly, and the questions of why we are here tire me. It is an easier answer. Why are we here? For others. Then, why are the others here? For myself, for everyone else. How do you think all of us got here in the first place? Humanity has gone through many perils, but someone has always stopped to help someone when they saw it. We should not complicate things which are far simpler if we simply stopped talking about them.

There is little else in my mind today but the past and the present. I do not care much about the future today. It will come as it comes. It will be another year soon, and it will pass like this one did—in a hurry I have not had the misfortune of experiencing yet. I wonder where time has to reach in the end that it passes us by so quickly. In my mind today are all the people I have met, all the people left behind, and the few who are still here. In this foggy bus ride to celebrate the joy of doing nothing for a week, I shall think about this: the life I have lived and the people I have loved. I shall keep them in my mind.

Time moves by so fast that we rarely get a chance to think of everyone else. But we should. We should. Life isn’t as easy without other people, nor is it worth living.

Before you begin writing, you must be ready to reject the first two paragraphs, and, on some days, you must do three. You must do this no matter how good they are, even if the words flow like a life that knows no trouble and a love that knows no deceit. Even then, you must erase them before you even get a chance to look at them properly, to read them through. It is not about the writing or the quality of the words but only about what they say. They are what you’d call the slag and the lather. They are what you feel in the moment, how you felt during the day. They are what a person may have said to you because they weren’t on their best behaviour. You must wash your hands and your soul off them. Before you begin writing, you must go through a proverbial baptism and sit without anything that drags you down. It is the only way to ensure that your writing responds to the grave problem of existence and is not a knee-jerk reaction to the world. On most days, this alone will make your words seem polished.

How do you always have something to say? They ask when they question me about my writing. You should see what I don’t say, I tell them. The words would stretch out for miles and cover the Earth enough times for you to stop keeping track of their journey. There is so much I don’t say in these words, in general, when I am out and about.

I wonder why that is, but all these years of playing with words have taught me that once you say something, you can rarely take it back. You can use more words to counter what you said earlier, of course, and that is perfectly valid, but you can never erase what is uttered once, even in laughter, even in joy, even in the lightest of spirits. All of us have to be sure of what we should say, and it often is best to look past the first thing that comes to our mind.

That is all my little method achieves. It discards the first thing that comes to my mind, and to be sure, it discards the second, the third, and even the fourth, sometimes. It rejects until there is little to reject. Then, I can sit and write peacefully. If the thought I write about was not wandering in the gardens of my mind before I sat to write, I am sure it is a good one.

Lie down on the couch or the chair and pull up a blanket over yourself. It is December. There is dew on the grass and frost on the windows. Sit down and take a deep breath. It has been a year, once again. A little heat would do you well. We must all rest and rejoice when things end. It is not an easy task to spend a year and come out unscathed. People rarely achieve it, and if you did not come out without scratches, then you must, by all means, sit and rest. After all, in a few days, it will all begin again. Life has a tendency to keep going. No one prepares us for the effort it takes to learn to live—not doing things, but simply living. But it does take effort; it takes a lot of it.

We must rest when we get the chance. It makes me laugh how to live is to breathe, and yet, pausing to take a breath is something we are the slowest to learn. No one teaches us this, so we take the most time to learn this, and yet, it is the single-most requirement to lead a life worth living. So, you must begin today. There is still a week left. Sit in the sun tomorrow, and watch the world glow with yellow respite. There will be time to do what is left. It is never too late, but you must learn to sit in the sun. The year is not yet over. There is still one more thing to learn. And if you take my word for it, a week is more than enough to learn to breathe. We must look around more often.

Perhaps, that is what I ought to do next year—look around more often. You can never get enough of the world; there is always more. There is always more than what meets the eye. But we must learn to stop and catch our breath and look around the world. It is something most people do not learn at all. And then, when the time comes, they do what they ought to have done much earlier. They lie under a blanket, struggling to breathe, looking around frantically. They do not know how to do it correctly.

That is when they realise that all life is practice for the moment we die, and we must keep at it if we want to do it gracefully.

My mother has a habit of checking locks twice. I laughed at her when I was a child. Why must you do that? She didn’t say why, but I knew it was important for her to be sure. I believe it is difficult to build a life when you start from empty rooms; building a home is even harder. Double-checking a lock is a small price to pay. I never understood it and made a joke when I could, however. When you are a child, you rarely think of these things, so I did not comprehend them. Until I was older and many years had passed. On a regular evening, I left my apartment and walked to the elevator to call it. I was sure I had locked the door, but the doubt had settled in as the display next to the buttons counted to seven. I walked back to the door. Indeed, it was locked, and I chuckled. When I returned to the elevator, someone called it to floor ten. But it did not matter, and so, I waited for it to count down to seven, knowing my life was still safe, and which was more, I understood my mother more than ever before.

And my father often jokes about how he was always a decade too late when it came to understanding things. It is a joke, but most humour stems from some reality and, if nothing else, from some thought. Knowing the story of his life, or at least the parts he lets on, I could often place where the joke came from and where it got reiterated enough for him to claim “always”. It is a heavy claim: always. We use it casually and quite unjustly if you ask me, but since he used the word, I believe he did mean it. How could someone as smart as him be so tardy in understanding things? I spent years with the question lingering. Until, in a December, unlike this one, I realised everything I knew to be true was, in fact, incorrect. That what I thought of myself was, in fact, incomplete. That day, I sat at the coffee shop smiling. I learned that the smartest of men have the largest of blind spots; intelligent as we were, we were not among the smartest.

We, my brother and I, did not have much money growing up, but we had the fastidiousness of our mother and the patience of our father. We were going to be okay. Legacy, as it turns out, is often a simple realisation.

On a sunny afternoon under the trees of the valley where little happens, I went to the insurance office and gave them a cheque. In the cab, I zoned out for a little while, and when I came back to where I was, I realised that when you meet an old man, and you ask him if he ever saw the passage of time, he would most likely tell you he has little recollection of it. “I was just doing the chores, day after day,” he would tell you, “and then, when I looked back, they had amounted to a life. But I was sure I was just doing the dishes and keeping the house in order. I could have sworn my life over it. I could have sworn nothing ever happened, but it had. A lot had happened, and time did pass.” And he would be in his rights to say this, and you would know it to be true. You would nod in agreement. “I, too, have no idea where the time went,” you would tell him, “but I have lived.”

Then, I thought of the burden of the grief I had carried with me on many cab rides like this one. Most life is this: you do things over and over again until all of it melds into one another. Every cab I sit in reminds me of every other time I sat in a cab, and then it reminds me of everything I have thought of in cabs. Every time I wash the dishes, I think of all the thoughts I have had when I did the dishes. We must be careful with life in this regard. A lot of it is repetition and what happens to you naturally feeds into what happens next. There is no going around this, and so we must slowly, despite how difficult it seems, change what we think. So, I thought of the grief, and at first, I accepted it. I still have some grief in me, I thought. But then, I could not name it. It seemed too small for a label after having had the pleasure of walking in the sun for an entire year, fully present. And does something even exist when you cannot call it by its name? I think not. Gosh, I hope not.

And when I got out of the cab and shut the door, that is what I knew. I had no grief to carry. I left the leftover crumbs of it, like how you often leave something irrelevant in the backseat of the cab. Then, I walked back home.

What can happen in a year? Well, the tides of your life can turn, a tailwind can blow and push you into newfound joy, and your ship can sail through. Before you know it, the mornings of December will remind you of the cold in January, where you left from, and suddenly, it will not seem as difficult as it did when you set out, and December was as far as an elusive shore of lore.

And if like me, you begin writing or at least, you begin writing in the way you always intended to, you will learn you can write a lot in a year. You can write more words than you have ever written before, and as luck would have it, a small chunk of them will make sense, too. You will learn there is a method to the madness, and you will learn your way around it. A routine will form, and then, you will break it. Your style will fit over your fingers like a glove—cosy and snug. You will know every bump in your process and how to get around it. You will know how you write during the day and night, and if time is of the essence, you will learn to write on the go—no paper, no keyboard in sight, you will learn to write in your head. All that is to say, you will learn more than you imagined because, as short as it seems, a year is a lot of time for things to happen and, more importantly, for you to learn.

Writing aside, you will suddenly find yourself on a Sunday in a life where you barely have a complaint, and the gravest issue you may have would seem like a pebble compared to the mountain you had moved a year ago.

For all I know, you may know all this already, and you will think these words are pointless. And if by some odd coincidence, you have just begun moving your mountain, if you have just strapped on your backpack with your tools and patience in it, if the strands of doubt pull you from everywhere, this will be whataboutery.

Be that as it may, if you know it all already, let these words remind you to look around. We all lose our focus now and then. And if you are in the process of fixing what needs fixing, consider this a prediction. You can blink in January and reach December in a flash, but a lot still happens in between.

I hope you remember this when January comes around again.

Despite my intermittent ramblings about the nature of things, the sheer chaos, I have nothing but great compassion and respect, yes, respect for the world. The way it goes on in the face of utter terror, the way it keeps spinning along. Few things are as inspiring as the very world we live in. No part of it can match its overall effect. On most days, I look around and bow down to lay my sword in front of what I see. For all the fight in me, I am but a loyal servant of all that is good and beautiful in this world. I am here after countless others, and I hold this insurmountable legacy above anything else. I do not seek a reward. To be here, among the others, is an honour. To be alive is my prize.

I look at a field, the blades of grass waltzing along with the breeze, and it makes me cry. I look at the beige, hazy sky at the golden hour, and it makes me weak in my knees. Of course, there are days I gloss over my love for the world. When they end, I do not sleep well and wake up to sweats and panic. To exist in this world is to be in harmony with it. If there is any way for us to be happy, it is in this compromise, this surrender—the world comes before me, the world comes before me. No religion, no politics, can save us. It is only this feeling of belonging that matters. We must be one with the world.

Those who stand atop pedestals raised on the bones of others do not know this, and in their heart is a gaping hole. They fill it with loud words and bold claims, but in their heart, they know. Their Gods left them long ago; their politics is a personal agenda. They are hollow—they stand in groups but are hollow inside. They will never have what you and I have. They will never belong.

Another year has begun to close its curtains on me. I sipped my coffee in rebellion against the shiver of the cold day, plastered in frost on the glass door beside my desk. Like an innocent inquiry you often have when you sit and think of time, I asked myself, “what have I learned this year?”

I’ve learned we must imagine the good to be more than it is and the bad to be smaller. After all, it is all just that: imagination. We build the world in our image, and often, our image is skewed itself. The best way out is to imagine it all. That is all the world is, really. It is all a dream we hammer into stone every day. Then, time freezes it all in our personal histories, and we talk of the years in retrospect as if we knew what was happening to us, as if we had any control besides a few minor decisions. The pair of socks you choose to wear on a given day is as important a decision as what you believe is good and true. By saying that, all I mean is that both are equally irrelevant, trivial and inconsequential. But even then, where there is a speck of good, we must imagine a blot we cannot get out, no matter how much we scrub it. Not that you would want to get rid of even a speck of goodness, but that is a far cry from the point.

It always makes me curious how in this world, even a heretic believes for a second. Yes, even someone like me stops in his tracks and thinks about it, and it occurs to him how easily so many people live, with their Gods always being a proxy for all their mistakes and flaws, but also their blessings—for a second. For a second, he thinks how easy it is for the believers, but then a second passes, as it should, and he remembers it is not easy for anyone but the dead.

Another year is almost finished, and it has not been easy to always be happy, but I have done my best. I know this if nothing else. Years pass regardless of whether you are a believer or a rebel like me. Years pass, and we all face the same question again: many seconds have gone by; what have I done with them? No God comes to answer this, and no person can answer it well enough. We can only hope we did not waste them.

I walked through the foggy evening and reached the golden cafe, and for a second, I thought it was all a dream. Then, I ordered my coffee, and I sat for an hour, and I realised it was all real. This was a real moment, and I was alive, living this life in the middle of December. There are times we feel angry at the world, there are times we feel confused, and then there are moments we feel sure of ourselves. Rare as they are, they make all the anger and confusion worth it. That is all we long for in life: an ephemeral moment of clarity, when the traffic sings in a symphony, when the coffee tastes like a potion from heaven, when every part of the world glows with a sort of mundane magic.

No sunset, no dazzling view, and no starry sky can make you feel the comfort of a moment of pure belonging. We are often so lost that even the most beautiful, profound experience is only a temporary high. Happiness can occur in a million ways, but the joy you feel when buying groceries at the supermarket, when the cashier wishes you a good evening, and you tell them to have a good one, is different. It is so much more personal and more lasting. We think we crave the epic, but it is the ordinary that we need. Ironically, we only learn this when we have chased behind the awesome and have had it overstay its welcome, when the eventfulness proves to be a bit too much. The person who is happy during a relaxed lunch is pleased in all corners of the world, but first, he must travel to the corners of the world to experience the disappointment firsthand. It is a cruel lesson. You must get what you thought you wanted and have it snatched from you, and then, and only then, can you truly enjoy a cup of coffee on a brumal evening.

I sat there, and I thought about this. Eventually, I got tired. So, I called a friend over the phone, and we talked about life and joked a little. What a banal evening, I thought, what a wonderfully banal evening.

You spend a whole life, a living, breathing experience, day after day, but you must not bring it to the desk when you sit to write. You must leave it on the mantle or the kitchen shelf, or the couch. You must hang it behind the door as if it were a jacket or leave it on the backseat of the car like a backpack or a piece of tattered cloth that once was a scarf. You do not need your life when you sit at the desk—writing. You need to have lived and know what life is, but you do not need your toes dipped into your bills, quarrels, relationships, and work. Writing requires a certain detachment from the moment. When you write, you are a nobody. That is where the magic comes from. You never truly become a writer. A person who prefers the written word to tell their truth strives to be a writer every day, and when they are done writing, they cease to be one. This line of work, this job, if you may call it that, is a verb in its truest sense.

You are a writer till you are writing, and when you are done, you are whatever you are outside those words. As soon as the words stop flowing, you return to playing the character you play amidst the living. You must live bravely, and you must live righteously. All people play a plethora of roles, and characters, by definition, have agendas. The writer feels no such thing; their only agenda is to write. So, you must leave the rest behind. It is a simple relationship and, in many ways, a simple transaction. You pay your time and some of your life to leave a mark on the blank page. Sometimes, if you are lucky, it leaves a mark on the world.

But it has to be true, and it has to be what most people are afraid to say. That is how you know it matters. To live is to bite your tongue till it starts to bleed. To write is to have no such limitation.

I met an obnoxious twat a long time ago who had the audacity to ask me who my reader was, and I could not tell him about you, and I did not have that answer on my sleeve. But that is what an artist is; we do not know answers beyond what we do, and up until then, I had never once thought to ask: who is my reader?

People who make little themselves and do not know what it is to create things tend to drag you down into their terrible existence. They have the insolence to tell you with their jargon and other horrible atrocities that your world is one of make-believe, of fantasy, and that they talk of the real world. What they fail to realise is that all of it is make-believe. When you trim the hubris, we are still telling stories, some of which are widely agreed upon; that is where all the difference is made. But regardless of my encounter with an ape who believed in the real world, I have thought about it after all. That is the problem with people and their queries and concerns—which is a nicer way to say their prodding and prying, their unsolicited questions and advice—the idea is always left behind, lingering.

Who is my reader?

I have thought about it for years, and I have thought about it relentlessly. It has been a delusional obsession where if I tell someone about it, it will not be in my favour, and if I keep it to myself, I will go mad. Today, however, I seem to have cracked it; I have had a breakthrough.

Who is my reader? You ask. Well, my reader is the one who sits with me, the one who sits across from me, who knows to pause. My reader is not one who needs instruction, nor do they need my help. They are too busy with the roles and rules of the world and the stories we tell ourselves to get by during the day. My reader is the person who gets by. That is who I write for and who I talk to. I speak to the person who is just that, a person. Neither on a mission nor lost in nothingness, my reader is the one who spends their day quietly, and at the end of it, they sit facing this gargantuan responsibility of being alive, not in search for answers, but only to have a minute of respite.

I write for the person who sits quietly. There is no greater privilege.