Bookmark #925

Never before or, perhaps, rarely have I looked forward to the week to be over as much as I have looked forward to it today. And I wish there was something I could name and put a finger on, but nothing comes to mind. I have been exhausted with the drudgery, and I must, at some point, manage myself and my faculties. I must take the day tomorrow to take stock of everything on my mind, and I could start listing things down here, but it would not do any good to anyone. All that to say that there seems to be a hundred-megaton rock on my head and that I have still managed to keep my wits about myself says more about how I have acclimatised my body and mind over the years than it says about some unique ability to manage it. When I lay down this evening to get a little bit of quiet before the world needed me again, I could not find it in me to count every bother, every little 3M note stuck on the walls of my mind. So, I just let it be, letting my jaw unclench and my body loose, leaving my arm suspended, barely grazing the rug beneath the coffee table. And I stayed like that—a living corpse—for a good thirty minutes till there was something to handle. It was then that it occurred to me that to think about what had exhausted me only tired me further. So, I stopped the inquiry at once and then resolved to rest tomorrow.

Now, I will make myself scarce, refuse to answer phone calls and disappear for a day. I will sleep in and do what I can when the sun is out, and then, in the soporific hours of late afternoon, I will nap again. I believe this, and only this shall fix this absurd ache in my heart, in my body, and most importantly, my head, which has pulsed in inexplicable pain these past few days. That I was able to carry myself through it all to reach here, this midnight hour, this last mile, shocks me, but I am too tired to appreciate my resolve, and I am too lethargic to remark on it. There have, of course, been weeks like these, too, and there have been days of rest following them. But to even know we are tired, we must have someone say it to us, for some things only ring true when we hear them.

“You look tired.”
“I’m sorry, I have not had time to look at myself.”

// if you want to support this walk to nowhere, you can pitch in here