Bookmark #854

In life, there are often symmetries that happen without plan, without our control. These parallels inform us, and often, they make us laugh. When I first tried to live a quiet life in the quiet town I had grown up in, having found myself terribly exhausted by life in a larger city of dust for a few years prior, I failed terribly. This happened for many reasons, getting into the details of which would be tiresome, but I reckon it did fail, so I took the first job and flight out of the city, vowing never to return. I did return, and naive as I was, I do not blame myself for my audacious yet flimsy resolve then. A broken heart does a lot to a person, I believe, and we should not blame those who grieve the living. It is a difficult thing to do, after all. The years passed, and I woke one day when the world had all but reached a standstill. I realised I ought to rewind it all and try again. And so I came back, but only on a few statutory guidelines. They say all safety manuals are written in blood. Well, this one was written in tears. But it was written, and not adhering to it would have been reckless now that it was there.

Lock your heart behind a door. Do not reveal where the key is; if they ask, tell them it has been lost for years. Find all you can do, but stop when you see the golden shower from the sun. It may not always shine. When the rain does pour, do not run to shelter. Avoid all running, whether to or from something. Rest your body, your mind, your heart. It is impossible to stay here forever, but that is not a concern now. Walk a lot, to nowhere in particular, but find a place. Find a place to go to when you have nowhere else. There are times when your feet will betray you and take you there. Trust them. All of us need a place to be, despite the lies we tell ourselves. And for the love of god, write.

It is time to leave again, of course, and it has made me smile since I woke up this morning, primed and ready. To say it is the same as the last time would be a lie. What has changed? Neither person nor circumstance is pushing me out. There is no vow. There is no promise. There is but grace and endless possibility. The door to my heart is wide open.

// if you want to support this walk to nowhere, you can pitch in here