Bookmark #81

As exciting as eventfulness is, and as much of a learning experience the last few years have been, I found myself emotionally exhausted, and always en garde. If you’ve ever walked in a bustling city, you know how you’re always looking over your shoulder. That is how the last few years felt. Even today, I read older journal entries and can’t help but wonder how much was happening all the time. Maybe, it was all in my head. It is unimportant where the storm brewed. The important thing is that there was a storm, or at least, the uneasiness it brings. Perhaps, I’m too hopeful and this is exactly what the calm before the storm means but I like the calm. I like flowing freely through the day without a care about what will happen next. There are small ups and downs that keep coming but no existential war is waged and no larger chaos is handled. Even if this is a phase, I like it. I like knowing I’ll not be sitting on the floor on a random evening because everything seems too heavy and overwhelming. It’s just a mellow sort of feeling; you know, the way streamers flow wherever the breeze makes them go? That’s how I feel right now—not in control, not wanting to be in control—just flowing, calmly.

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