The fever passed, and with it passed hundreds of sentences I had thought of and not written down anywhere. A lot of inspiration comes from lying in bed under the blanket of boredom, and sickness is an excuse good as any to spend a few days thinking. Now that I am filled with caffeine and the other stuff the pills put into me, I have lost all the bits and pieces I had foraged from the many wealds of my fever dreams. Now, like usual, I am filled with the fears of deadlines, with the perils of never-ending paperwork. All so tiring, all so overwhelming, all so usual. It baffles me that we accept this as people, but I am just one person and don’t intend to cause a revolution. People cannot bother with where the world goes. It is only the concern of the few who take the positions and stature, whatever their motivations might be. Most of us only want to be able to have a good time for as long as we can do it and be done with this charade sooner than later.
I lost myself for a good chunk of this year, and now July is here. It is here with its whiteout of languid swelter. Despite countless warnings, it has barely rained in the city this year. It has been muggy and frustrating all around. But in this nothingness, I find it easier to retrace my steps to what began all this, these words, these slices of my life. My resolve beats inside my heart; I can hear its soft thumps again.
There is a reason for my days filled with the horrors of work, money, and other twaddle, but there is a better end to this bitter pursuit. I had gotten too caught up with the minutiae. You must always resist the call of a number; they always catch you with it: years of experience, monthly income, the next step of your career, what say you. So much of society is filled with these vacuous ideas in the name of progress, but is it progress if it leads nowhere? You might as well draw a circle in the sand and trace it with your steps for eternity. Now, I am reminded once again why I do what I do.
It has always been to be able to read a book in peace, and if I want to spend two days reading it, then taking two days. There has never been anything else, and I am getting there, both in mind and in means.