Bookmark #239

Oh but I don’t want eventful anymore. I don’t need passion. I have spent way too many years of my short life stuck on temporary highs; I know better now. To have fantastic days, one must lower the standard. In a life where anything can happen, the happiest days were when nothing happened.

The truth is, there were many days where nothing happened. If one got used to them, one got used to life. There is a sort of happiness in the uneventful and banal; it is the inexplicable sense of calm. Sometimes it was gloomy but there was no rain, and then the clouds passed. All days when you weren’t running from yourself or the unexpected, pouring shower were days to be celebrated.

I’ve spent years jumping from adventure to adventure, always on my feet, always running, always looking at something new; I don’t crave novelty anymore. I crave habit. I enjoy looking at the faces of people who have been by my side on all days. I am delighted by the same regular cup of black coffee from the same regular cafĂ©. I revel in the same streets. It all brings me a sort of joy I cannot explain.

Perhaps, I just want a sense of surety that has so far been absent from my life. In all love I’ve received, none has stayed. In all dreams I’ve dreamt, none have remained the same. In all my attempts at being myself, none have stuck. Perhaps, I crave certainty because life has shown me it is anything but certain.

All my days lately have been happy days; all of them have been the same. This is the first time I’ve sat so comfortably in my life. It is an unparalleled feeling to feel at home in one’s own day, in one’s own shoes, in one’s own skin. I wonder if this is where I’ve been running to all this time, or if it is the uneasy quiet before the storm.

In any case, it is the month of July, and monsoon is right around the corner. They said it may rain anytime soon. It doesn’t matter much to me, however. I’ve spent years lost in the maze of the eventful. I reckon a little rain wouldn’t make me shudder at all. I am quite sure of it now.

If nothing else, I must say, it is nice to be certain for a change. I am terribly tired of playing catch up with life.

// if you want to support this walk to nowhere, you can pitch in here