Bookmark #238

When all of it was said and done, when the pieces all fell into place, when the dust settled, you’d still hear the sadness calling. You’d get up on the right side of the bed, the sun would be shining like it never has before, and by afternoon, you’ll begin to die inside again.

I can’t promise you that won’t happen. From what I know, and from what I have seen, it will happen; the brokenness will always call you back. It’ll disguise itself in a song you used to hear a lifetime ago. A stranger standing ahead in the grocery store queue might resemble a dream you let go of. A fleeting fragrance would remind you of a life you left behind.

Life is a maze. I can’t assure you of anything. On some days, you will feel like the universe doesn’t want you to laugh, and on some days, the universe will be out to get you. On some days, the darkness will get the jump on you, and the brokenness will get the better of you, and you will begin to lose yourself.

On those days, I want you to catch yourself off guard, just like the sadness did. I want you to stand straight and smile. I want you to act oblivious to the heartache creeping in around you. Even if you can’t, I want you to say:

Not today. Today, I choose to be okay. Today, I will look outside.

Let it sit with you as you and your friends play a board game. Let it hear you laugh with family. Let it watch you count trees. It’ll chase, for it can’t let you go as easily, so let it. Stay ahead. It will be exhausting. On some days, more so than others, but trust me, if you resist long enough, it will subside.

Ultimately and often, we became more habitual to our sadness than we were willing to admit. The truth is once you got used to the darkest parts of yourself and your story, it didn’t sit right by them to be ignored, even when you only want to take a walk to the coffee shop. When you do that, and when they try to get the jump on you, tell them: not today.

It’s how you’ll save your life. That, I can assure you of; that’s how you’ll save yourself, one day at a time.

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