Bookmark #209

I was perpetually exhausted. I didn’t know how else to put it. I was too tired to look for a word. I was too tired to try. I didn’t remember the last morning I woke up absolutely refreshed.

Even if I got enough sleep, which I did more often than I didn’t in case you doubted my ability to take care of myself, even if I did that, I woke up exhausted. I woke up with a solution or two to a problem I was stuck on or a fix a friend was caught up in, but I was always exhausted.

I smiled in the mornings anyway. It didn’t have to make sense for me to accept that every morning was a fresh start. So, I tried every day to feel some sort of refreshment. I had good health and a sound mind on most days. Some might say I had both in absolute control. Yet, I was weary.

It wasn’t hyperbole, trust me. I could fall asleep on benches, in caf├ęs, even when I was waiting for the signal on the traffic light to change. If I found myself in one place too long, I became languid. I found myself dozing off so I would always keep moving.

I wanted to sleep but not for some ten hours where a beam of light would peek and wake me nonetheless. If not a beam, there’d be an explosion of things to do because exhausted or not, life went on. I wanted to escape to a place where the sun won’t rise for years, until one fateful day when it would, and all would be okay. Perhaps, I was too used to that feeling.

I often felt like I was living a borrowed life. I know the moment where it began too; the day I might have borrowed it. It was a day from years ago. I’d often dream about it and then wake up, exhausted. It was a rather helpless dream for I could always just watch that day unfold from a distance, unable to move.

If I didn’t dream of that, I’d go back to dreaming of my general days. I barely had abstract dreams. I often envied others when they told me of vivid and colourful ones. As a rule, I had always dreamt of my day. Maybe, that is why I often knew the right thing to say. I was, in effect, living twice.

In any case, the final truth of the matter was that I was exhausted. However, this was the first time I wanted to do something about it. I was tired of this feeling of utter exhaustion.