Bookmark #110

In the twenty-third year of my life, the most important lesson I learned was that my head was my own responsibility. Every thought, every moment, every instance where I sit on the floor, letting everything go is my responsibility. I’ve learned that picking myself up is my responsibility. I’ve learned that although the world should be kind to us, and although we should be kind to the world, it should not be an expectation. It cannot be an expectation.

I’ve learned that I cannot expect the world to treat me kindly, especially where one species of thinking monkeys has convinced themselves of their superiority so well that when we say “world”, we immediately think of ourselves and no other part of it. It’s all so abstract, it might just not matter at all.

I’ve learned that my fear, my thoughts, and even the narrative I spew for myself to convince myself of myself are my responsibility. No one owes me happiness, and neither do I owe anyone just that. Although kindness in all the things is absolutely necessary, I’ve learned that it is a mission failed so often, we might just consider it a lost cause. I’ve learned that it is not a lost cause as long as we keep trying.

I’ve learned to expect the world to fail. I’ve learned to expect the world to fail me, to fail itself, and for myself to fail it every now and then. I’ve learned to set the standard so low, even the smallest things make me happy. No, not happy but peaceful.

In the twenty-third year of my life, I’ve learned that happiness is fleeting. I’ve learned that the world is just how it is, and just how it will be, and we will keep doing things, and things will keep happening, and it all keeps going, and it is at that point I learned, I don’t want to be happy anymore. I would rather be peaceful, flowing through the motions, going through another day, trying to do my best, failing, maybe trying again, or sometimes, just letting it all be.

I’ve learned I cannot control everything. I’ve learned that the best I can do is try and control my head. I am, after all, my responsibility.