The Journal #21: Everything

I wrote this as an empty cup of coffee sat on a perfectly aligned coaster at enough distance from my laptop so as to not spill the leftover sip on it.

I want you to know that like peanut butter and honey between two slices of toasted bread at four in the afternoon, but also, at four in the night, sometimes. When I’m outside though, I prefer a savoury spinach, corn and cheese sandwich. I like my coffee medium to dark without milk and sugar. I have a specific dislike for sugar. It wasn’t always that way, but then I learned that sweet things were particularly harmful. I especially enjoy a cup when there’s an unexpected spice, flavour or hint to it.

I wear grey t-shirts usually with grey jeans and whatever pair of sneakers I have at the time. I usually only have one pair. When I’m feeling particularly peachy, I go for colours like red and maroon. The blues in my wardrobe are picked when I’m feeling fresher than the usual grey mornings. The blacks are only picked when I’m ready to rule the world that day. The green and brown ones are when I feel more grounded. I own two pairs of jeans, by the way. All of them are the same pair. If you see me wearing a shirt, you should know that I was serious about whatever I was going to do that day. I have one hoodie that I wear over all those T-shirts and sometimes the shirts. I like rains and the winter because I get to wear it. It makes me feel better, somehow.

When I’m walking, I prefer to listen to indie and alternative music. I listen to rock only when I’m in my apartment and working. When I’m walking, though, you’ll see me stopping for people if they feel distressed. That’s not to boast any particularly good virtue. I help people because it makes me feel good first and helps them later. Maybe, it’s the same for everyone. It’s just that I admit it. In any case, the one thing I will always stop for is a random animal on the curb. There’s no purpose there, and I love spending time waving Hi to the cats and playing with the dogs. When I’m outside or among people, I’m secretly very conscious of what everyone around me is doing so I always have one eye on the crowd owing to my hyperawareness. I can notice things before they are told to me, such as a person being sad or disappointed, especially with me.

I make lists for everything. Every single thing in my life is either tracked or catalogued. Every single thought is saved either in a random photo or in a note somewhere. I’m sure that makes you intrigued at first but trust me, you’ll hate it eventually. I prefer systems and habits and routines, and I hate surprises. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy one now and then. The repetition of everything makes the surprises worthwhile. It just gets difficult for me to react to them in time, but I always love it when someone surprises me. I secretly also like to try new things, but my first reaction is one of aversion, which makes people think that I’m not spontaneous enough. Check my track record though, and you’ll only see impulsiveness and spontaneity.

Everything in my apartment is in a particular place because of a particular reason. Even a hoodie that seems like it was thrown on the couch was thrown there for a particular aesthetic I prefer. I prefer lines not curves for the place I am in so you’ll often see either solids or patterns with clear lines. The reason I chose a checkered table cloth was that it’s easier to keep things on it with enough space in between them. It makes sure the coaster is straight, the coffee is never spilt, and the notebook looks nice when it’s not kept straight, intentionally. If you’ve been to my apartment, you’ve quite clearly seen how my head is organised. This is one of the reasons I avoid having people over unless there’s no other way or unless I trust them too much.

It took me a long time to accept that life is grey and there are no blacks and whites, but the remnants of living a binary life remain in some things. If I’m into something, you’ll see me going all-in without a parachute, and yet, if I’m disinterested, no force in the world can bring me to care about whatever it is – a thing, an activity, a subject, a domain or a person. There are things in life that changed everything I knew about the world, and while I came out of them scarred, I came out of them calmer, and so, I can’t tolerate those who react at things because I used to be like that too, so it’s a secret fear of knowing that life dulls all of those people. Perhaps, I secretly hate myself for changing.

I’m a public person, but I only keep that up so that I can enjoy what I value privately. It’s a weird contrast but one that you can only appreciate once you live it. I’ve lived it for years. It may seem that everything about my life is out there, but it’s less than half that I do share. The things I don’t share are the ones that matter to me, and no, I will not go into them here. The thing I’ll tell you though is that I’m a romantic at heart, so everything I say has a purpose, and while I speak fast, I often choose words carefully. I like connecting the dots of life as if it was one over-arching narrative and so, for years, I’ve left tiny breadcrumbs in these words. I know no one cares enough to find them, but I like doing that anyway.

Anyway, why am I telling you all of this, you may be wondering? Well, I’ve realised that all this about me has always been things that people know once I trust them enough, and once they’re a part of my life, and more often than not, when said people leave, I feel like a part of me is taken away. I feel that trusting them with the fact that I prefer peanut butter and honey sandwiches at four in the afternoon, but also, at four in the night is something they can never return to me. I reckon we have a lot of ourselves hidden behind arbitrary layers like a terrible onion that’s too difficult to peel. So, I decided to put it all out, for everyone to see. There’s nothing else to me besides this, and if there is, it’s not worth mentioning.

There is no nuance anymore, now that these words are out. Here’s my declaration. There’s nothing left to tell anymore. Perhaps, when everyone is important enough to know it all, no one is important enough to know anything else.

// if you want to support this walk to nowhere, you can pitch in here