Bookmark #940

I lay in bed after waking up and played some soft rock to accompany me in the silence of the Saturday morning. I lay there and did not think of much. I closed my eyes and let the music fill every empty space, every bubble of air in my mind, and before I knew it, I was fully there. No bother on my mind, nothing to block out the sweetness of life, and so there I was, lying as the beige curtain filtered and coloured the light into the room and onto the bed. And then, as the phone rang, I got out of bed and answered the call, and it was someone who needed some help, and I told them that I had just woken up and needed some time to become myself. And it was then that I realised that it never stops. Nothing ever stops. The asking, the taking, the living, none of it ever stops, and those in the older days were blessed that the letters took time to reach them, that the telegrams were slow and expensive and that pagers had a limited range. Nothing ever stops. Everyone is always here as long as you are awake and alive, decent enough to not turn a blind eye to the world, and competent enough to keep it all afloat.

And it is the last part that bothers me as I stare at the tree buzzing with flowers and bees outside the window while waiting for the coffee to brew before I can plunge the French press down. That last part is all it is about. I often wish I was not as competent. I am not the smartest man I know by any means, but I know I am not as dense either. But often, I wish I did not have the sense to live correctly, that I was a slob, and that others would pick up my slack as I waltz through my days. Sure, there are people like that; the helpers need someone to help, after all. Often, I wake up and wish I was among the perpetually tardy, the blockheaded, the wishy-washy, and if not forever, maybe for a year. But I will always find ways to help myself before someone can lend a hand, and I will always watch myself, and I will always be my mean critic, and it will all be like this always, and nothing will ever stop as it never has, and every single thing will be in the right place, and I will have kept it there. And I will stand and wonder if capability is a burden, too.

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