Bookmark #883

Before I lose this train of thought and get dragged down by the ins and outs of the general life, be bogged down with the things I had to do that remain undone, I have to write this down: in this moment, I am nothing but happy. There is good reason for this, of course, and some of it is like happiness always is: inexplicable and sudden. For the parts that have reasons behind them, I must try to softly list them on this page like you move a sleeping puppy from one corner to the other to not wake it up. I must carry this feeling, this joy, in my heart in the same way to not disturb or shake it off. I must preserve it as I write about it.

Now that I have attempted thrice to list things down, I realise there is an uncountability to it. The moment I list down walking down the street peppered and glazed with neon lights, cafes, and groups of people here and there, I think of something else. When I write that down, I think of the consistent burst of laughter spread through these past two hours. How can you list down joy? How can you measure it? I am happy. It trickles into my cup of coffee like an accidental cube of sugar I did not intend to put in. It is an attempt sabotaged from the get-go, a pointless exercise to even try, a botched attempt to begin listing down that there is so much beauty all around me, in the middle of the day, in the middle of every moment. It is almost as if I have lived my life again and found the secret to doing it correctly but have forgotten this absurd knowledge either by circumstance or time, or by choice, for I imagine if someone could relive their life vouching to pay more attention to things, they would want to forget that very decision after a while, not as some sort of test, but because to be in the moment, they would have to let go of their self-imposed instruction, too. Perhaps this has happened to me. Maybe this is some sort of rewrite, a redo, a second wind. Who could be sure? I would not know about it.

But I know my nature, and I know that if it were in my means to be able to do this, and if I did it, I would surely want to be rid of the knowledge, too. Yes, that is how it would go, I am sure. Perhaps this is a second chance.