Bookmark #845

Fortune tellers scare me. They are certain beyond reasonable measure. The surety they provide people is lost on those like me, who have come into fortunate situations but only at a cost.

As I sit on this bus, I think about seemingly random events from my life that I would never think of in one sitting, or ever. It occurred to me just now, without a nudge, that all the good that has happened to me, and there sure is so much, has come with absurd costs. I am forced to think that this would not be the only box in which life delivers presents, but my name is on it, that it has never come easy, that with every sweet memory, there is a bitter one entwined within, and if bitter is too extreme then sour would be a good fit. In any case, the flavour of nostalgia is all messed up, and now, I sit, craving water.

For all my early financial success, I was pushed out of the flow of time, like how you often take a service lane running beside the highway to get ahead, but you find an entry into the mainstream traffic eventually. I am still looking for it. I have travelled far now, and this has brought a sort of loneliness I could not put into words, for even if I try, the only look I get is one of disgust, which, too, is fair. How would one expect others to look beyond the measure of money when it is a measure that comes hard and often does not come at all? But it would not change the last decade for me. Both can be true, after all.

And I have found love so many times, but it has never come easy and, often, has presented itself in impossible dichotomies strictly out of my purview. I have found love only to be asked to let it go. Over and over, this has happened, and now, I envy people I know who did not have to go through this ordeal, who have had it, as they talk about my finances, easy. But I know things are seldom easy, and if I were to extend empathy, there must be costs they have paid, things I would never know about. But then, again, both things can be true.

Little else is on my mind today, and it may remain like this until the end of the year. Of course, I will laugh and be merry as one does, but I will also be thinking about everything I do not tell others, as most do.

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