Bookmark #731

We must all feel a certain way each day, and today, I feel lonely. I do not mean this in the way that I am distraught. It is not as if my heart is bleeding on this grey rug. But this loneliness is akin to that of a pebble on the sidewalk. Today, I am here, remembering all the people I have ever come across and spent years talking to, only to fall out of touch due to life and the powers that be, hoping in my heart that I still have their number, that one day I will reach out and it will all be as it was, that the coffee will be warm and the meal will be served, and we will catch up and talk about things as if nothing had changed, only to realise that at some point they changed their numbers, the lot of them, and never did they consider sharing it with me. So many people I have lost this way, for no fault of my own, only the natural process of fading into irrelevance. A part of me is agonised by this and is angry at having wasted my time, but then, another tells me to give them the benefit of the doubt, to remember them with the kindness of having sat together, talking about everything that mattered when it did. But I do feel lonely, and there is not much I can do about it tonight, so I sit here, wearing this feeling like a blanket, watching the TV.

My life has begun to feel like it is going through some extensive cleanse, where everything I remember about it has slowly started to change, and every little loose end is slowly getting tied or snipped off. All people I knew any bit about have slowly faded into a highlight reel of memory. Only a handful have remained. All the pain I once carried seems more distant than the dullest star in the sky, and all my regret is left in some drawer of an apartment whose lease ended years ago. There is nothing to go back to anymore. I remember no way of life to be right. I feel lonely because I feel unfamiliar. I believe every person comes across a day or a week like this, where it is not the end of the sentence, and it is not the beginning. It is but a semicolon.

It has begun raining outside once again. I think I will get up and make a cup of tea.

I reckon there is nothing but the forward to look forward to.

// if you want to support this walk to nowhere, you can pitch in here