Bookmark #683

More than the struggles of right and wrong, more than adventure and novelty, my life will be filled with the struggles of the mundane. Most choices will barely matter when day after day, I will face the dastardly deplorable decision to lie down in bed under the warm blanket for a minute or so. Often, this, too, will be like playing with fire. On many occasions, I will be unable to douse the flames in time, lose control of things, and inevitably fall asleep. Then, in some dream, someone I have never met will come across and ask me for the time, and the mild realisation will open my eyes and drag me out of the dream and out of bed in one fell swoop.

I am always at battle with myself, pushing to go a little further, just a smidge, just a bit, with no consideration for the state of things. There are worlds inside me; I have little else to think about. I often stay occupied with this dilemma of resting or working, these inner struggles of the daily to the point of aloofness in the real world. Sometimes, I feel as if I only pretend to be a person, but, in fact, I am a more simplistic experiment. I look around my life as we often look at a landscape from far away, knowing we are not in it but that we are here to watch it unfold, that without the narrator, there is no story, and no moment is true without someone experiencing it. My days appear to me like a field of flowers, verdant and lush, spanning acres, and then, they feel like a gaping gorge to cross, an incredible leap. But mostly, they feel like a sort of grey, flavourless cafe, with a simplistic table and run-of-the-mill decor. Most of my days meld into one another because of how similar they appear from afar.

Should I have a cup of coffee or slash and burn my entire life? These are the kind of questions I ask myself on most days. I never have an answer, so I live again through the day, and then, when I do the dishes, and there is still time before the clock hits midnight, I look at the bed and enticed, I overestimate my ability to lie down only for a second, only for a minute, only enough to not lose myself in my dreams. Then, I wake up in the middle of the night with shame, get to the desk and get to work.

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