Bookmark #560

We tend to be reflective when we sit on a bus, going nowhere and somewhere simultaneously. I reckon this parallel, and of course, the sheer lack of things to do, puts us in a state where we sit and remember. Before I boarded the bus, I carried a book and made sure I had enough music to listen to. I never got around to reading the book, and I listened to the music as you heard a word of advice you did not ask for, feigning attention and letting it wash away into the background noise like a rather excited river pouring into the sea, disappearing into it.

During this time, I somehow navigated backwards through all my steps, years, and tire tracks I had left behind; I traced it all to a moment I don’t quite remember, for we remember things unclearly after some time. And as more years pass, it gets even harder to trust your ability to remember something. We tend to put a layer of fresh paint and varnish on memories now and then. One cannot be too sure about how one remembers things. In any case, I remembered looking at someone—another person, a living human being with their own life and dreams and hopes—and thinking they were the answer. I did not know what they were an answer to, and I did not care enough about it to ask. I thought it was good as long as I had an answer.

Years have passed, and having danced through the fire and reached the greenest clearing in the history of all clearings, I now sat on a bus on the anniversary of the death of the life I never had. I sat there having asked the questions, and I sat there having answered them all. I knew, in my heart, that what seemed like an answer once was only procrastination. Like how a band-aid falls off on its own because the wound demands greater healing, the answer I so desperately sought had ripped itself off and fallen behind without my realising it.

This was all some time ago, of course, and I did not want to think more about it lest I got my spirits down. There was still time for questions and time to answer them, and even though my curiosity was more ravenous than ever, I was not desperate to look for answers in other people. So, I dozed off and let the bus carry me. What else was there to do?