I don’t want to call it anything. Still, as I come into my own in a year that has passed faster than I could think about it, I have now found firm footing in where I stand in life. If I may be as forward, I may have, in my haphazard attempts, come to know who I am. It is still the first week of October, however, and three months is plenty of time for things to change. Most of us can change within days; a quarter of a year is the universe being generous.
And why do I think so? Simply because I am not distraught—even in October, especially in October when everything slowly turns to the amber death of it all, only to begin again. I have not felt the life going out of me yet. A friend once remarked in a loud pub as we caught up with life that all of us have phases where we thrive and where we don’t, that it is crucial to recognise the latter and be soft with yourself, but that it is equally important to appreciate the former. We are not as equipped to handle peace and calm as we are to handle the inevitable ruining of things. When there is peace and calm, we must recognise it.
When you wake up, perhaps, not with a joy that makes you jump out of bed, but also not some feeling that drags you down into it, only a gentle appreciation for who you are and where you are, you may allow yourself to smile and have your coffee, or tea, or hot water in a cup. But you must recognise it when it happens. When the time comes that you must recall a good time to survive, you should have something to remember how good it gets when it gets good.
I sit here, not smiling but with a smirk that suggests some measure of happiness leaking out of my general visage. It has been a pleasure to be alive. October has just begun, and I know who I am. The contentment of not being lost is unparalleled. I seem to have stumbled my way into happiness. When they ask me how I got here, I tell them I do not know. They ask me, “why do you have a smirk your my face, then?”
“I am as amused by life as you are”, I tell them, “even more, perhaps, infinitely more.”