Bookmark #507

With the overview of the world in all senses of the word, I think of life, and only one word comes to mind: somehow. If someone asked me how I got here, to this pocket of peace, I would only shrug my shoulders and say, “somehow,” and that’s how it is on most days. Somehow, someway, we get wherever we get to, and no matter how much we plan for it or how little we anticipate them, things happen. This does not mean there is no control in our hands, and it would be outright wrong for me, especially me, to suggest such a notion. But perhaps, there is a beginning to it all. It all begins to change only when you seek to change.

The first step in this newfound happiness was the admitting. It was when I sat at a table in a bumbling cafe, surrounded by food and friends. It was then that I had, after trying all I could, admitted that I was miserable, that something had to change. All that was over a year ago. A year is a long time for things to change, and somehow, they do. But first, we must want them to change. Often, that is the hardest step. There is a sort of love between a man and his misery. There is camaraderie you have with demons you’ve had for as many years as you’ve had your friends. Some parts of you are lost when you begin walking towards happiness, too. But you must take it; you must take the step if you want things to change somehow.

Somehow—it’s a funny word because we spend our days thinking we know what we’re doing, and when we look back at the months and the years, and when someone asks you a step-by-step of how you did it, you cannot even begin to think how. You remember where you began, and from that point on, things start rolling into one another. And you barely have an answer for them, and then they look at you, baffled and confused, as if you don’t have a clue about what you’re doing. But you do. You know precisely what you were doing: walking away from yourself.

Sometimes, that is only how things begin to change. You start walking away from yourself, and somehow, you arrive wherever you do. That’s how it plays out, but what would I know? I don’t know much about how I got here. One day, I opened my eyes, and I was here, somehow.

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