Bookmark #413

I woke up at about quarter to eight with nothing but a memory of who I was up until the previous night. It was a calm I had not known yet. I wanted to wrap myself in it like we wrap a blanket around ourselves when we’re too comfortable in sleep, lost in the surreal happiness of not having to live just yet. It was nine soon; it was still early. I got out of bed, stretched a little, and made coffee. There is freedom in changing who we are, and while sometimes change is gradual and a slow burn, there is nothing like shocking yourself into a new person.

In many ways, it was like taking a freezing shower on a chilly day. There is a shiver when we step under it, and for that reason, we are scared. What if I catch a cold? We ask. Perhaps, not explicitly, no, but there is an indiscernible blur of worry in the way we stand near it. When we are in it, when we finally take a step forward, and the cold water hits our body and trickles over us, our body responds in kind by heating up instantly. Then, there is no reason to get out. Then, until it is time to get out, there is little else we want but to stand under the cold spray. Often, this is how you have to change things: in a shock, as everything else quickly adapted to make way for it. There is little else you want to do then but be the person you sprung into life with a seemingly impulsive decision.

With the nutty aroma of the coffee wafting about in the apartment, and some escaping it like a furtive thief as I opened the balcony door to let some fresh air in, I sat down to write. I stared at the blank screen with all my energy, energy I had never felt before. The cursor blinked as if to challenge me, and I yawned, half out of sleep, half out of an unflappable self-assurance. I wished I could share the peace I felt so strongly in my heart with all of them. It began to spread around everything like fog spreads over a hilly landscape, slowly filling into the crevices and the troughs, like the most exquisite scarf to ever have been worn.

The golden age had just begun, I thought. I was exactly where I was supposed to be; I was who I was supposed to be. And what was more, I had never felt happiness quite like this before.

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