Bookmark #366

Yesterday, in the evening, I decided to take a nap. There was nothing better to do—not that there wasn’t anything to do, but a nap sounded like a more pleasant idea, so I decided to shut the curtains, and I dozed off. I believe when all seems off, a nap is often warranted. I woke up with my phone ringing—that sordid thing. I realised I had slept for a little over two hours, and so I decided I should head out. While I had to visit my parents, there was still time, and I was still disoriented from my nap cut midway, so I decided to walk to the coffee shop.

Now the route is the same; I have a mechanical understanding of the path. I have walked it in absolute flaneury for almost two years now. There was something different yesterday. Maybe, it was the delirium of not being fully awake that I was still in, but I saw my entire life for a little bit, about five hundred metres from the coffee shop. Of course, I did not see specific events or some impossible premonition; now, that would be some make-believe hullabaloo. There was little to no supernatural in this life. All we had was what was right in front of us; all else was things people said to get some sleep at night.

When I say I saw my life, I mean I could feel it. I could sense the general mood of what I would feel for years to come. I could feel this sense of things being slightly awry, but not enough for it to matter. There was no large struggle, only small, insignificant battles which would not matter in the grand scheme of things. I was always going to be a little out of touch with it all. It reminded me of a jigsaw puzzle I had as a child. It was a perfect puzzle, and I learned to solve it early on. But a piece, in its correct position, would stick out still until pressed hard upon. It was off whilst being in the right place; it was the wrong piece while looking like the right one all along; it completed the picture but still left something to be desired. Some things are made that way—a little askew.

All my life was going to be mild discomfort without reason for why it was that way. I could see it all so clearly yesterday when I reached the cafe. Then, I got some coffee and got on with the day.