Bookmark #364

I woke up this morning with an idea in my head. I did not quite want to think of it yet, so I spent some time lying with my eyes shut and the light blanket over myself. The day was getting on, though. Since it was warmer now, I had to let the blanket go and manage without it. I was not fully asleep, only I did not want to start the day just yet. This was the luxury of sleep, not being in this world for a little while. I got out of bed, and as I ground some beans for my coffee in an almost mechanical routine, I remembered the idea that had woken me up: to be a nobody.

In what I can only describe as a long time ago, as ironic as it seems in my short life, I had this deep aspiration in me to be somebody. An obsession, almost, to make my mark. I did not know what mark it was—truth be told, I haven’t the faintest idea now either. But when we see a flowering golden shower tree, we don’t see a single flower unless it falls out of the clusters to die alone on the ground. No flower in the tree thinks about turning orange or red. There were some things we just could not change about ourselves. To be a nobody was to belong to the whole.

And how beautiful does the tree look! How generously overwhelming are all those flowers, intertwined streamers of bright yellow, lumped together as a whole. What a wonderful sight on a warm, spring day! And so is the galaxy, to be honest. I looked at the sky late last night; it had been a stormy day, and the remnants of the storm were still blowing by midnight. I wondered how a shooting star may make for a good moment of awe, but it is the starry sky we turn to when we need hope, with all those stars lumped together into one, reliable narrative.

This urge to be unknown, to be left to my devices, is something I have felt for many years now. There is peace in it. To aspire to be a nobody when everyone tries to be somebody was an act of rebellion. To be happy without an endless pursuit was unfounded. It was heresy. Yet, happiness was all I felt as I had the coffee I made for myself, in one apartment out of many, like one person out of many, all sipping their coffees and teas to start their days.

Only, I was now almost okay with it all.

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