There has been a mellowing lately. I have noticed more. For the longest time, joy had eluded me, but I have learned to catch a peek now. There was a strictness I had put over myself for years. I am slowly letting myself be, yet as all things are good in moderation, I’m not letting this lightness engulf me. I found myself singing a song the other day; as tuneless as my voice was, I found everyone must sing along with a song or two now and then. It was not enough to only listen to music. We had to participate.
I believe it was last week when I sat to read outside. The sky was in its golden prime at about five in the evening when the tree in the adjacent complex caught my eye. It was a particular group of leaves dancing to the breeze. The colours caught my eye, and I realised how each leaf was slightly different from the other, even when they belonged to the same bunch: golden, brown, green; there were a plethora of different shades between them, too. I kept looking at it for a while, away from the urgent pleasure of reading, from all my thoughts. It is how I remember that day now.
I indulge a little now, too. My abstinence against certain foods is now weaker. I let myself enjoy the occasional dessert. The other day I had the most fantastic slice of cheesecake at a place I had thought I would never go back to. In many ways, there has been a complete reversal of how I carry myself with some things. Wanting to get into bed in time, I now have fewer cups of coffee, which has been all the better, for it has brought back that kick, the taste I had absolutely forgotten. All leftover work waits on the desk until tomorrow. Although, I stay up to play a few rounds of chess now and then, losing most of them in the daze of exhaustion. I do not intend to win anymore.
I don’t know what to feel about all this—I believe I have now found the balance I was searching for under every rock, in every place, nook or cranny. I found it within myself. There is a discipline to do things, there is gaiety in most things, and I am suspended in between. The other day at dinner, I nonchalantly told my mother how I was happy lately. I do not remember saying this to her ever before.