Bookmark #323

The sense of doom has never left our side for once. It was the simplest observation, especially if you read a little bit of what went about in the world before you stepped in it. The further back you go into the pages of history books, the more you notice how the collective feeling is always of fear, of questions—uncountable questions. It is never the right time or age. It is always a little off. The world will never be the paradise promised; it was always paradise lost. It often took knowledge of impending catastrophe for someone to realise how good life was, despite their handful of qualms with it. They often remark how they will live better if given a chance now, for the lack of a better word. Why does it play that way? I don’t know the answer, for I’m no different. I, too, tend to look at life from the same lens—a lens of not enough.

But, I am learning now. Perhaps, I may disagree with this later—when the memory of my personal hell and the state of the world is blurred—but today, there is only one thing I believe I should be doing: wasting time. When I say wasting, I don’t mean to let time be of no use, but better use. The more I have thought about it these past few months, the more I know what I want to do. I only wish to loiter about and sleep in the sun without a care in the world. It was the better use of time. There is a freedom when nothing weighs on your mind. Take the rain, for example. Earlier, when the sky turned a pale blue, raising the softest alarm known to us, it imparted a hurry in me. I must finish whatever I am doing. The thought dictated my days. Now, when it begins to rain, all I think about is how I will get an hour or so when no one will demand much from me. The showers make doing anything impossible, even when you’re safe inside your home. At least, it is a believable excuse.

The more I look back at my short life, the more I notice how I’ve missed out on so much. To be happy, you must be present. I don’t intend to be oblivious anymore. I will find a way. There is still time. For now, I only want to make the most of the day ahead, and when I say make the most, I mean laughing enough to make sure I remember it.