Bookmark #311

No matter what I picked, I always chose poorly. It was in my very nature to make the wrong choice because as much control as I exercised over myself, I was someone who thought from the heart. My decisions did not come from a procedure or some deep analysis. I acted on a whim. It was all gut, all feeling. It never has been thought. It never can be thought. Despite my logical pragmatism, regardless of how much philosophy I read, deep down, I was a terribly emotional man. Those who thought practically had no need to befriend Kant, Camus or Sartre. We craved what we lacked.

All my life has been an exercise in patience, and yet, it has been marked—no, scarred—by moments when I lost my cool. I remember being foolhardy, rebellious even. I remember saying too much, saying more than was necessary. It’s hilarious because those are days I can count on my fingers. I won’t even need to use two hands. I don’t remember the days I kept my wits about my head, when the voice of reason—of tact—told me to stay down. Perhaps, all my life has been a practice in patience because I am a terribly impatient man. It was in my very steps. You could notice it if you watched me on a general day.

All love I’ve lost has been because my ego was too large, too hungry. My obsession with extending a hand came not from some altruism or even nature—it came from regret. It came from not extending a hand when it mattered the most. It came from the haunting that needed no nightmares. I did not need to wake up to it. I was reminded of the times I was too selfish every minute of every waking hour. I extend my hand not to help, but from a need to absolve myself of the guilt emerging from the few times I can’t wash off my conscience. As helpful as I was, deep down, I was a terribly selfish man. There is not one sentence I have ever written that was not about myself.

As righteous as I seemed on the surface, I was a deeply flawed man. I knew three languages, to varying degrees—five on paper. And yet, when it boiled down to the brass tacks, I was only fluent in apologising.