Bookmark #309

The world wanted you to be wise, but it wanted you to be wise on its terms—not a year too early, not a decade too late. To be as wise as your peers, no more, no less. To move along, to move together, no matter the cost, no matter what’s lost. This was a terrible realisation. I had always been out of synch. I never learned how to dance—my steps have always been missteps. I have unknowingly stepped on toes all my life. I did not intend on it, but some of us cannot walk too well in crowds, no matter how careful we are—and I was naturally fastidious.

I was impulsive. My decisions did not make sense to me until they played out in ways I could not fathom or predict, lest I expect they make sense to others. I carried out my days with an unwarranted sense of ownership ever since I was a child, reading in the school library by myself. In simpler words, I have, on all occasions, followed my heart. I do not recommend it to everyone. It tends to break more than it makes, but it makes for exciting days, and when you meet someone for the first time, you have a lot of stories to tell and many views to share.

The same effect is what most people grew tired of eventually because they could not match the novelty of experience, or rather, the aloofness and naïveté with which I carried my life. It was amusing to many at first, yet this grew into a host of different emotions at some point. I had been on the brunt of a wide gamut of criticism, argument, and even envy. It was not easy to stand on your own, as romantic as the idea seemed.

On most days, most people enjoyed the company of those most like themselves—in all senses of the word. I was no exception to this rule, but I had not come across someone who was so out of touch with time and reality as myself yet. I often joked about how I was good company in small doses. Truth be told, it wasn’t my own sentence. It was something someone said to me once as a casual remark.

By the time, I had become so used to this belonged aloneness, where I could stand with others and yet, have few count with me, that I found it fascinating. So, I stole it in respect of its accuracy. It has been the only way I’ve described myself since.