Bookmark #180

I was often nostalgic for the times. I didn’t miss a person or a place; I missed this feeling of my entire existence in the past. I missed the times, you know? I often missed a different self which isn’t around anymore. I wasn’t melancholic over it, but there was a longing in me that was ever-present. It stirred inside me on its own, and then, it didn’t leave for hours.

I forget trivial details almost immediately. More often than not, I’ve shown to have terrible memory. Often, for the life of me, I fail to recall some event or person. Other times, I muddle the details up. And yet, when I look back at the times, the general days, of how things used to be, of what I believed in, of what I did every day, of how I did what I did, of what I said, of those I knew, of who I trusted, of what made me tick, and what made me laugh, I can always form a clear picture.

It could be a phase that was present a few years ago. It could be a version of me from a decade ago. I’d be laughing one minute or be absorbed into my work, and all of a sudden, I’d feel a knock from who I used to be, and I’d fade into this daze of the past. I wasn’t sad, no, just wistful.

No matter how many years would pass, I’d always miss the times. there were more than a couple, too! I’d miss all of them, now and then, and I’d smile at all that, eventually. It’s absurd, really. We are alive to sit here, to look back and remember who we used to be, and disagree with ourselves in our own heads, and laugh at our older selves, and miss people who were once important to us. No one in particular, just people.

Do you miss the times too? If you do, you’d know that often you didn’t miss anything in particular. It wasn’t a fancy aroma or a catchphrase or anything remotely as specific as you’d read in a book or see in a movie. It was just a feeling that a lot of time has passed since you took your first breath, and you’ve been so much since, and you’ll be so much now, and that you’re still going.

Perhaps, it was a reminder of precisely that; you’re still going.

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