Bookmark #177

We do weird shit when we’re heartbroken, man. We get drunk. We end up in fights. No, not just with people. There was this one time I had an ongoing spat with a city. Can you believe it? An entire city, filled with hopes and dreams and people, and I hated it—all of it.

And then, another city, and then, this very town that I once called home. Then, a song I couldn’t bear. The more I look at it, the more I realise that I was fucked up, man. We all were, and we all are, and we’ll always be fucked up. That’s the deal.

This is the first time a species is doing this—thinking. No one before us has done this, so we’re bound to fuck up, and fight with pieces of music as if that makes any sense, but we do it. We do it all the time. We go out every day, finding things to live for—a job, a person, whatever—and all those dreams fail.

They fail, and then we try again. Maybe you will get what you want if you keep evolving, if you keep admitting that you are fucked up, and that you’ll be okay. They went hand-in-hand, man. You had to be both at the same time. That’s how it worked.

One day, as you come back home and turn the radio on, the song comes up. You pause for a second between plunging that french press, and you smile. You listen to that song. This is the first time you’ve done that. It’s the first time you’ve discovered this beautiful piece of music. It cannot just be about something as petty, you shrug. It transcends all that. So, you finish making your coffee, and you realise you’ve evolved.

You learn that you cannot not try again because of that one time. That one time that it didn’t work out, whatever it was that you wanted didn’t up and land in your lap. You can’t close yourself to the entire spectrum of human experience because of one time. Life is much bigger than one time.

One day and that might be today, you’ll be sitting and looking back. You’ll see these horrible, detestable events that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemies, but you’d also smile. You’ll know you wouldn’t be there, having coffee, if all that didn’t happen.

You’ll be glad it happened. You wouldn’t have made it to the other side. You wouldn’t have evolved. You won’t have it any other way.

// if you want to support this walk to nowhere, you can pitch in here