Bookmark #166

When I imagine what the inside of my head looks like, I often imagine a large hall with bookshelves and cupboards filled with neatly filed books and notes. The cupboards and shelves are split into three rows for the three different roles I tend to play in the every day. Each row of cupboards is followed by a dimly lit desk. All three desks are identical. I see myself sitting on any one of those at a given point in time, getting up intermittently to walk around the hall, and referring to the respective cupboards, and through them my notes.

I see a fireplace with a chair to sit on for all the times I’m not sitting at any of the desks. I see myself sitting there a lot. More often than not, though, a sort of haze enters through the window. The hall, usually warm and amber, gets an aura of blue and immediately becomes bleaching and blinding white. Suddenly, the cupboards are invisible and only the cracks of the fire are audible, and I can’t see anything. I’m unable to find the desks and the fireplace; the fog starts to get heavier.

So, I find myself standing in one place when I should be very well sitting at a desk or on the chair. I find myself standing there, stuck, for days. I can’t seem to find the door and window either to fully revel in the cluelessness of the mist. The haze comes and goes on its own but often, it overstays its welcome. The haze leaves eventually as it had arrived—on its own.

It gets a bit tedious to stand there alone for days unable to do, think, record anything; the fog is too thick usually and I feel lost inside my own head. So, while on the outside I’m functioning, I can’t remember what I should for I can’t find my notes, and I can’t find answers for I need my desks for that, and I can’t find solace because my chair isn’t around.

The haze comes without an alarm, and those around me can’t see it, of course. So, to them I appear a bit aloof and uncaring, which is of course different from what has actually happened. While on the outside, it appears as if I’m spacing out, lost in thought a lot, it stands to reason and rightly so, that I’m usually just lost. It is indeed a terrible misunderstanding