Bookmark #154

This evening, last year, I wrote about a cup of coffee. I wrote about how I spilt that coffee on myself. You see, we’re sly, those who call ourselves artists or you know, at least try to put out a good metaphor, once in a while. The cup of coffee was a relationship. It was a relationship that had just ended amidst what was, even by the end of last year, the worst couple of weeks.

I was vulnerable, trying to fix things with myself, there was a new health issue, there was persistent pain in my right leg, and goes without saying, the ever-present general overwhelm of life. Honestly, I wasn’t doing so well. So, when I wrote about the cup of coffee, the metaphor, the relationship, I omitted a specific moment. It didn’t fit well with the metaphor.

You see, between spilling the coffee, feeling that intense burn and getting a cab, there was a moment when I stood still. The lid that had become loose and spilt the coffee on me was lying some six steps away from me, my shirt was dripping of hot, scalding coffee, and I stood there. I was sobbing. I stood there for what seemed like a really long time. I lost track, actually. You often do when you lose everything else.

I remember, no one stopped. No one picked the lid. No one asked me why I was crying. So, I did what I had always done — I took six steps. I picked the lid up, I zipped my hoodie up, and I walked outside to get a cab. Then, I came home, and I wrote about it, hoping to put a good one out that day. That was the one thing I knew I could still do.

So, when I was talking to an acquaintance today as I sat in my apartment, doing nothing but sipping coffee and staring outside my window as it drizzled, and when they asked me, “”So, what are you chasing these days?”, answering spontaneously with, “Nothing, man. I’m just… slowing things down for a change” made me smile and remember that moment.

The moment when I took six steps, on my own, picked the lid up, zipped my hoodie up, got a cab, got groceries and came home.

Funnily enough, I lost that cup sometime later, without even realising it had dropped out of my backpack. It was a great cup, but it never seemed to fit just right, you know?

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