Bookmark #152

I was doing the dishes tonight, and I thought of you for a wee second. That’s how I thought of you now. It just came all of a sudden — no warning, no alarm. Nothing changed at the moment, and I didn’t lose myself like I used to before. It’s been years now so I guess that’s natural. I thought about you and where you were, and for a second I wondered if you thought about me too, sometimes. As the water kept running on my hand, I paused and thought what time it must be there, wherever you are, but I was too tired for all that mental gymnastics. I thought about you and started toying with this idea of whether you think of me like this too. You know, just innocently, when a thought comes and goes all on its own. I scoffed at the idea a second later. The water was running and so I continued doing the dishes.

I guess, that’s what I don’t like about it, you know? The fact that I am alright. That even though it felt like it for a while, the world didn’t end. That even though it felt like it did for a while, time didn’t stop. That even though it felt like I did for a while, I didn’t stop moving. That life went on, and that I am in this apartment now, doing my dishes and listening to the music we once danced to, and not thinking of you because of the song anymore. That, everything is okay. That you’re somewhere else, probably asleep or wide awake or I don’t know doing what, and that I couldn’t care less. That’s what makes it all real, I guess. That’s what says it really happened. That you and I once did dance to that song, and that we don’t anymore. I guess that’s what I’m not a fan of, you know? That’s what bugs me sometimes. That it all really happened.

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