Sweetheart, I enjoy it, you know? I enjoy waking up alone and having no one in particular make coffee for me or wish me a good morning or a good day. It is freedom. It is freedom in not knowing how my days go because I don’t have to talk about them. I enjoy the comfort of my own company now.
This is somewhat new to me. I’ve stayed alone for most of my life without much say in the matter. Yet, this time, it’s deliberate. It’s not my situation but a choice. I’ve chosen to deliberately keep my heart to myself this time. Forgive me, please.
It seems, I lose my agency when I’m in love, love. It’s all downhill from there. I’ll rely on you for a day, then a week, and then, you’ll hate me. I’ve learned, I don’t understand love yet. Everything I was taught about it was wrong, and it is only now that I’m beginning to understand it.
Sweetheart, life is hard, but asking you to pick me up every other day is even worse. I’ll be fine but I need time. I need time to become whoever I’m trying to be or fail in the attempt. I can’t drag you through that. I can’t drag anyone through that.
I have to spend every day looking at my reflection, and stare at it for so long that I’m coerced into liking it. That’ll be a start, at least. The world did a real number on all of us. They forgot to tell us that you had to be a whole first before you gave someone a part, before you gave someone your heart.
It’s the movies, love. It’s the damned movies, the damned books. It’s the idea that there is someone out there who would magically fix our lives and us. They made us believe in fairies, and turned us into monsters instead. It’s only now that I see the curse. I have made up my mind to get rid of it.
So, I’m taking some time off. I’m taking some time off from the movies, the stories, the legends, and the heartbreak. I’m going to be by myself for as long as it takes. I’ve learned, I can’t love myself through you, or anyone else. I want to learn to do it on my own.
It’s been a collision course of broken hearts, love. I’m only beginning to fix mine. I’m sorry, my heart has been broken for far too long, but I’ve learned it’s no excuse to break yours too.